Remember that time you told a joke and no one got it? Put your thinking cap on and see whether you get these. If not, the joke is on you!

Lost in translation

A road sign
Photo by Donald Giannatti on Unsplash

I was in America once (I'm British) and met this dude whose name was Miles. He introduced himself to me in front of a group of people saying, "Hey my name is Miles," but he pronounced it "Mi-uhls"as if it was two separate syllables. I commented that I'd never heard anyone pronounce it like that, and someone said, "oh yeah? How do you say it in the UK?"

Without skipping a beat, I replied, "Kilometres." One dude understood, but five others didn't get the punchline and carried on talking.


That's a fancy James

A man at the gym
Photo by Victor Freitas on Unsplash

My office had just refurbished their gym. They did a great job too, with new machines, free weights, carpeting, locker rooms, etc. It was unrecognizable. One day I was down there working out when the CFO walked in and said, “wow, this is fancy.” So I replied “yeah, in fact we’re not calling it the gym anymore, now it’s called The James.” He just turned around and walked out without even so much as a smirk. I was furious. The timing and cleverness of it was on point and this guy didn’t even crack a smile!


The over-worked postman

A post box
Photo by Bundo Kim on Unsplash

I had spent my lunch break doing a crossword, occasionally asking some clues out loud for people to help with - just to get them warmed up.

Then, the ground having been prepared, I entered the final phase:

“Three across–Overworked Postman.”

Someone took the bait: “How many letters?”

And with a perfect deadpan delivery, I pounced on my prey: “Thousands.”



Chinese multiplication

Two babies
Photo by Jens Johnsson on Unsplash

I was in a graduate class for teaching math. Somebody asked if we knew the way they multiply in China. I said "Same way we do, but only once."


Don't squash that!

a bunch of squashes
Photo by Alfred Schrock on Unsplash

One time I was in the car with my mum and I went to open the boot. She warned me to be careful, that there was a butternut squash in there as she had just been shopping.

On the spot, I replied "you'd butternut squash it"

I wish I'd had more of an audience, but at least mum and I got a laugh out of it.


Enlighten me

A Buddha
Photo by Sabine Schulte on Unsplash

I have this giant Buddha statue that looks as though it's made of solid stone. A friend was helping me pack for a move. She went to pick it up and almost threw it in the air commenting, "I thought he would be much heavier." Without missing a second I said, "Oh, no. He's enlightened." Nothing.


The egg-nostic eater

Easter eggs
Photo by Monika Grabkowska on Unsplash

I used to buy a couple hundred Cadbury eggs the day after Easter and eat one a day for the rest of the year. I was talking to a friend during the fall about eating one, and she says "But it's not Easter. . . "

"That's ok, " I reply. "I'm egg-nostic".

The best pun I will ever make in my life, and I had an audience of one!


The half-bath

Toilet rolls
Photo by Michael Jasmund on Unsplash

Recently I was viewing a house with the prospect of buying it. It was a "fixer upper." We were talking to the realtor who had yet to realize our disgust. In the driveway was a toilet with a box around it. I couldnt resist. I said "I saw in the listing that the house was two and a half baths. Is that the half bath?" He calmly explained that the half bath was inside.


The Wong Way

One way sign
Photo by madeleine ragsdale on Unsplash

My friends were walking ahead of me when I noticed that they were literally going down a street called, "Wong Way." I was shouting at them that they were going the Wong Way and they just shouted back, "no the car is this way" and continued walking. It wasn't nearly as funny when I sprinted after them and explained it in detail while laughing to myself.


Cocktail humour

A cocktail
Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

At a bar. I ordered a sex on the beach, and the bartender made it with pure booze, barely any mix. I took a sip, made a face, and said "excuse me sir, I ordered a sex on the beach. This is all sex. May I please have some beach?"

The bartender laughed. No one else did. This is still the best damned joke I ever made.


Helping hand

A hand
Photo by Isaac Mehegan on Unsplash

When we were in Budapest, we stopped at this cathedral to see the "holy" hand. It's just some dudes hand they keep in a box. He was supposed to be a saint on something. Anyway, my father in law is stopped by two girls who want him to take their photo outside the cathedral. I ask him about it and he said "One of girls was missing a hand, so they asked me for help." So I said, "Did you tell her they have a spare?" He didn't hear me!


Trekkies only

A star
Photo by Bogomil Mihaylov on Unsplash

This happened around 15 years ago. I took AP Physics during my senior year in high school. The curriculum covered electricity and magnetism. The teacher began a lecture with "Resistance is..." and paused for a few seconds. I then said "...futile."

There were apparently no fellow Trekkies in the class.


Baseball is not for all

A baseball game
Photo by Chris Chow on Unsplash

I was watching a recorded baseball game that I had missed due to work, and my girlfriend at the time walked into the room during the eleventh inning, texting on her phone. Without looking up, she mumbled "What ya watching?"

I said "A Game of Throwns marathon."

Still without looking up, she asked, "New episode?"

Flabbergasted at her lack of situational awareness, I responded with "Just the hits."

She shrugged, said "kay', and walked away. We broke up shortly thereafter, due to constant miscommunications.


Nuclear families

A  family sign
Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

I was in English class and we were having a debate about this Ray Bradbury short story that describes a house in the aftermath of nuclear war. It mentions the death of a man, woman, two children, and a dog who lived there. I said "brings a whole new new meaning to nuclear family."

I got a few weird glances and the class moved on.



A computer screen
Photo by Jacob Miller on Unsplash

A programming friend was asking his buddies for algorithms for a certain thing (programming isn't my forte - so excuse the lamens terms)

They all started sending him files containing algorithms, I sent him a picture of Al Gore playing a guitar with the quote "this is the only Al Gore Rhythm you need."




A train on a bridge
Photo by Roland Lösslein on Unsplash

One of the first days in my high school history class. My teacher tells everyone to looks at one of the first pages in our text book labeled page iii. He reads it as “page eye eye eye” so I start singing dun dun. Dun dun. Dun dun as in the acoustics from the beginning of Crazy Train. No one understands why I’m being disruptive.


Forks and knives

A knife and fork on  a plate
Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

True story.

Receptionist passed through the lunchroom pointing her fork at me, and said "Fork you!"

Instantly I retorted, "Well, that wasn't very knife!"


Church is not for everyone

A teddy bear
Photo by Diego Passadori on Unsplash

There's an educational computer game series from the 1990's called Freddi Fish, and my son had a plush toy of Freddi and his little fish pal Luther. He particularly loved Luther and carried the toy everywhere he went.

One Sunday morning the wife drove us to church, and she wanted him to leave his beloved toy in the car instead of taking it inside. Without missing a beat, I said, "Yeah, it's not a Lutheran church."

Nobody got the joke. And I'll never get the chance to tell that joke again. But I still remember it.


Toilet humour

Urinals in a row
Photo by Syed Umer on Unsplash

Was in a public bathroom and every toilet was being used. Someone says “Wow, we got a Full House!”

I respond from the toilet, “And if we all finish at the same time, it’ll be a Royal Flush.”


Goosing around

A Canadian goose
Photo by Mathew Schwartz on Unsplash

How do you get down off a mountain?

You don't, you get it off a goose...

Told in a bar full of people and they all just stared at me


The Wurst

Hot dogs
Photo by Charles Deluvio ???? on Unsplash

My brother and I were eating hot dogs from 7/11 in my car before work. After about two minutes, he stops chewing and complains, “These hotdogs suck!”

Without missing a beat I reply, “Yeah, they’re the wurst.” He sat there in absolute silence for at least another five minutes before he realized what I had said.


Sixth sense

Stacked coins
Photo by Ibrahim Rifath on Unsplash

Twelve years after seeing the movie and coming up with the idea, I finally had a lunch came to $7.06, and I gave the clerk a ten.

She looked in her till, winced, and asked gently, “Do you have six cents?”

I meant to whisper, but I was so excited for this (and that I remembered) that it came out sounding like Bobcat Goldthwait when I said, “...I see dead people....”

She decided she had enough change after all. I thought it was brilliant, but betrayed by my delivery.


Phonetically speaking

All we have is words sign
Photo by Alexandra on Unsplash

In my English class, this girl said that a character was being very blah-tant (blatant) with his feelings and everybody looked at her confused and asked if she meant blatant. I said that her statement was the epi-toam (epitome) of poor phonetics, which made the teacher laugh for about 3 minutes while all of the students acted puzzled.



A cymbal
Photo by Fikri Rasyid on Unsplash

I was in a parade playing cymbals and someone asked me what happens if you drop one (I had this cool cymbal flip thing I did in the middle of the song that required me to flip it along my forearm and grab the edge) and I said, “then you hear the sound of one cymbal crashing” and nobody said anything.


Wheely funny

Car wheel
Photo by Matt Antonioli on Unsplash

I had just started working at a car dealership. In a department-wide training session, the teacher goes on a bit about how were spreading good news and says something like have you heard about our lord and saviour harr (Harr is our dealership name) without missing a beat I slid in. "He died for your rims," but only the girl next to me heard and she started dying of laughter. Everyone else looked at us like were weirdos.


Sparrow or swallow?

A sparrow
Photo by David Dibert on Unsplash

In my psychology class, we had a packet of papers and one of the things was a picture of a bird. We had to name what we thought it looked like. Someone said it looked like a sparrow. It was about to move on when someone else interrupted and started saying it was "More of a swallow."

I followed with "Which kind? African or European?"

Everyone just kinda stared at me. Not even a single "How do you know so much about swallows?"


Cutting edge

A doctor
Photo by Martin Brosy on Unsplash

My older sister had to undergo a double mastectomy. My twin sister and I spoke with the surgeon afterwards. He told us everything went well, and that we’d be able to pick her up in outpatient the next day.

In the meantime, I told the doctor to “keep me abreast.” I thought it was kinda funny. Doctor just nodded.


Shopping in camoflage

A grey lizard
Photo by Rex Pickar on Unsplash

Two dudes were walking around, shopping in the grocery store, and they were in head-to-toe camouflage. I ran down the next aisle in order to turn the corner and almost run into them, and said, "whoa! I totally didn't see you there."

They actually did find it amusing.


Sieze the day

A vintage car
Photo by Court Prather on Unsplash

Just happened the other day. My coworker said to his wife (who also works with us) that he needed to make his car payment today. So I chimed in, “oh, so it’s car pay diem” without missing a beat. They didn’t even react.



Bicycle wheel
Photo by Nielsen Arenas on Unsplash

Any time somebody is talking about a circular or spinning invention (wheels, beyblade, weed whackers, etc.) I comment that it was revolutionary.

About half the time nobody gets it untill the next day when they come up to and say "Oh! Because it spins!"


Money laundry-ing

A washing machine
Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

I found a quarter in my dryer and said, “looks like I’m money laundry-ing.” There was no one around to hear me.


Placebos and pills

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Placebo pills should be called pharmapseudicals.

Best joke I've ever written.


Shake it off!

A dog shaking off water
Photo by MURUCUTU on Unsplash

Student named Tyler complained that his buddies occasionally teased him by calling him "Tyler Swift."

I told him to shake it off.


Mass and volume

Chemist equipment
Photo by Hans Reniers on Unsplash

This is far from the best joke I’ve ever made and I only said it to my partner in Chemistry. The teacher asked, “What has mass and volume?” I said under my breath, “a catholic choir”. I’m way too proud of it.


The car thieves

Man in hoodie
Photo by JC Gellidon on Unsplash

I worked in a hospital with a parking garage, and there had been a string of petty thefts in the garage. No break-ins or anything, the thieves would just target people who hadn't locked their cars. My coworkers and I were talking about it, making sure we'd all locked our cars, and I'd mentioned how the robberies were "wrong on so many levels." I'm still salty that no one got it.


Sore calves

A cow
Photo by Sophie Dale on Unsplash

After a workout a friend said: "My calves hurt."

Me: "Maybe they're having cows."



Reflect on this

A monkey with a mirror
Photo by Andre Mouton on Unsplash

On a dating site I found a guy who worked at a mirror manufacturing company. I asked him to reflect a minute on how many puns he got working there. He didn't get it. NEXT!!


In the name of seagulls

A seagull
Photo by Zac Ong on Unsplash

I convinced my daughter that all seagulls are named Steven.


Ice cold

Photo by Bryan Rodriguez on Unsplash

This woman was telling me a story about her brother who just relocated from Florida to DC. Apparently they had some kind of major ice storm that year and her brother slipped and fell and really hurt his hip and had to go to hospital. That’s where I said. “Well, at least he got it on ice straight away,” Totally wooshed over her and she thought I wasn’t taking this seriously enough.



Man and woman signs
Photo by Juan Marin on Unsplash

I had an employee named Amanda who was out for the day. I went to her cubicle to gather some stuff that needed finishing when a colleague, Wendi, walked over asking about lunch plans.

She rounded the corner, saw me, then said, “Whoops. I thought you were Amanda.”

Instantly I responded, “I am a man. Duh.”


Hole-y cow!

A cow
Photo by Daniel Leone on Unsplash

A woman at work was telling about a major storm that occurred in her town when she was growing up. She said that tree limbs were flying through the air and one branch or limb sailed with the wind and impaled a cow, going right through it.

She was so caught up in telling her story, she didn't even get my reply - which was, "Holy Cow!"


Crack this one

A padlock
Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

When I was 8. My older brother(18) and I were sat in the back seat of the car while my parents were in the front. We were returning home from a day at the beach and my brothers ears were sunburnt and dry.

I looked him dead in the eyes and said, "your ears are like the Davinci Code."

Confused he asked me why.

I said , "because they're cracking."

I thought I was clever, they just thought I was a silly 8 year old.