Have you ever been lost for words in a social situation? Pressured to entertain? Fear no more, these jokes will make you the coolest kid in school.
1. Less is more.
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.
2. Well well well.
Why did the half blind man fall into a well?
He couldn’t see that well.
3. Listen, son.
My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts to the second, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"
The second man shouts back, "You are on the other side of the river!"
6. Joke Tips.
Whats the most important part of a joke timing.
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
8. Thanks, Doc.
I stand corrected, said the man in the orthopaedic shoes
9. Scuba Steve.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.
11. Statistics don't lie.
Four guys are hanging out. One of them says, “Hey, did you know 1 out of ever 4 guys is gay?”
Larry says, “I hope it’s chuck because he’s really cute.”
12. Murphy's Law.
You’ve heard of Murphy’s law right? It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
13. Dad Jokes.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two but I have no idea how they got in there.
15. Hungry Budda.
The Buddha walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "make me one with everything".
The Buddha pays with a $20 bill and vendor hands him his hotdog and goes to help the next customer. The Buddha says "what about my change" and the vendor replies: "Change must come from within"
16. Be careful.
A wife calls her husband and says "be careful driving home, some complete moron is driving down the wrong side of the motorway."
The husband replies "there's not just one, there's bloody hundreds of them!"
17. DEA Power.
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch and told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
18. Hold True.
The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."
But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
20. Good One Grandpa.
What did grandpa say before he kicked the bucket?
"Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
21 . Always.
Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac. They're always taking things literally.
22. A Bi-lingual Twist.
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines" said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines." insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality." the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here." fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines." the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed "Eso sí que es!".
"Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you do that in the beginning?"
23. How to make friends at parties.
"Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"
"Hey, everybody! I found the guy!"
24. Worth it.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Francisco zoo.