Have you ever been lost for words in a social situation? Pressured to entertain? Fear no more, these jokes will make you the coolest kid in school.

1. Less is more.

coffin
Photo by Rhodi Alers de Lopez on Unsplash

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

jimbojones230


2. Well well well.

well
Photo by Tom Sodoge on Unsplash

Why did the half blind man fall into a well?

He couldn’t see that well.

Vertighost23


3. Listen, son.

Shout
Photo by Jason Rosewell on Unsplash

My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

zimflo


4. How?

THink
Photo by Laurenz Kleinheider on Unsplash

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

Byizo


5. River.

River
Photo by Jon Flobrant on Unsplash

Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts to the second, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"

The second man shouts back, "You are on the other side of the river!"

MightyCaseyStruckOut


6. Joke Tips.

Joke
Photo by Jeanne Rouillard on Unsplash

Whats the most important part of a joke timing.

YerMomsASherpa


7. #JustCannibalthings

Dinner
Photo by Mohsin Ali on Unsplash

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?

The cold shoulder.

ThatTysonKid


8. Thanks, Doc.

Doctor
Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

I stand corrected, said the man in the orthopaedic shoes

dabcabc


9. Scuba Steve.

Scuba
Photo by Maarten van den Heuvel on Unsplash

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat

PMMEANUMBER1-10


10. Differences.

Hippo
Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.

llama_laughter


11. Statistics don't lie.

Guys
Photo by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash

Four guys are hanging out. One of them says, “Hey, did you know 1 out of ever 4 guys is gay?”

Larry says, “I hope it’s chuck because he’s really cute.”

Alphonse__Elric


12. Murphy's Law.

cabbage
Photo by Arnaldo Aldana on Unsplash

You’ve heard of Murphy’s law right? It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.

ItsSam_JK


13. Dad Jokes.

Dad
Photo by Steven Van Loy on Unsplash

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

lezzieknope


14. Lightbulb.

Lightbulb
Photo by Diego PH on Unsplash

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two but I have no idea how they got in there.

vadlmaster


15. Hungry Budda.

Buddha
Photo by Samuel Austin on Unsplash

The Buddha walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "make me one with everything".

__

The Buddha pays with a $20 bill and vendor hands him his hotdog and goes to help the next customer. The Buddha says "what about my change" and the vendor replies: "Change must come from within"

seabutcher


16. Be careful.

Driving
Photo by Xan Griffin on Unsplash

A wife calls her husband and says "be careful driving home, some complete moron is driving down the wrong side of the motorway."

The husband replies "there's not just one, there's bloody hundreds of them!"

aMeatytreat


17. DEA Power.

Farm
Photo by Werner Sevenster on Unsplash

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch and told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

yajusokun8


18. Hold True.

Heaven
Photo by Lori M. Sousa on Unsplash

The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.

dingu-malingu


19. Well?

Wbat
Photo by Kyle Simmons on Unsplash

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

kabobstr


20. Good One Grandpa.

Bucket
Photo by Melody Bates on Unsplash

What did grandpa say before he kicked the bucket?

"Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

Willstroyer


21 . Always.

Stealing
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac. They're always taking things literally.

jackhackery


22. A Bi-lingual Twist.

Socks
Photo by The Creative Exchange on Unsplash

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines" said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offered the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines." insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality." the salesgirl probed.

"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here." fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.

"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines." the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed "Eso sí que es!".

"Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you do that in the beginning?"

(anonymous)


23. How to make friends at parties.

Toilet paper
Photo by Michael Jasmund on Unsplash

"Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"

"No..."

"Hey, everybody! I found the guy!"

PatriceAlston


24. Worth it.

Lion
Photo by Tom Skarbek-Wazynski on Unsplash

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Francisco zoo.

MoistOldPeople